My favorite Jedi mind trick to break an unhealthy habit…
Welcome back, I'm happy you're here.
My plate was always full.
I always said yes.
I took on more than I could handle.
I was horrible at delegating, even when I had an assistant.
Asking for help was a sign of weakness.
Saying no was being rude.
I am not weak (or rude).
I can take care of myself.
This was my MO.
And I was miserable!
As it turns out, I was needing help, support and guidance. I was exhausted trying to do life all by myself.
The irony is that one of my love languages is 'acts of service.' I love helping other people, supporting, cheerleading and being of service. When they accept my offer, I don't see them as weak. When my gesture to take something off their plate is brushed off with a “it's ok, I've got it,” I feel rejected. Sadly, I've been rejecting my friends and family for years, saying the same thing.
The only way I knew how to change this habit was to trick myself into thinking I was doing them a favor. I thought “I am doing it for them”, knowing how much gratification they'll get from being there for me. Slowly it became easier to ask, because when they said yes, it made my life easier.
Seth Godin recently wrote on the same topic:
“It's a simple question that can open doors. But it also creates tension.
The person you're seeking to connect with might not want to believe that help is possible. There's a solace that comes from being really and truly stuck, and hope might not be on their agenda.
Or there might be resistance to thinking about what help would look like. Because visualizing it brings it one step closer to happening, and that can be scary.
…
Ultimately, the only way to know if help is possible is to try.”
It may have taken me years to get here, but asking for help is no longer a sign of weakness.
It's a sign of great strength and vulnerability.
I am making a request; it may or may not be accepted.
That can be scary.
When I don't ask, the answer will always be no.
Some people have an uncomfortable connection to the word 'help.'
Is the word 'support' more inviting?
Do you prefer one of these sentences to the other?
How can I help you?
How can I support you?
My invitation for you:
Bring to mind your full plate, including work, family, health…
If you say 'No,' who are you afraid of letting down?
If you ask for support, what do you think they'll make it mean?
What are you trying to prove by doing it all by yourself?
If saying “I need help” feels uncomfortable, how can you state your request in a way that feels more comfortable?
If you know someone whose plate is overflowing, how can you take something off their plate, politely ignoring their “I'm ok, I've got it.”
I recently wrote “people pay me to hold space for them.” I was grateful when asked to clarify. It gave me the opportunity to decide what I want it to mean for me and the people in my life. I'll tell you what I told them…
How I define holding space is being the person someone needs, in whatever capacity that is. I am a safe place for them to come to (virtually or in person) to express themself without judgment. Lending an ear or just being a presence if they don't want to talk. As a preschool teacher, I was there to comfort and reassure the child. I was holding space, letting them know they were safe… in whatever way they were needing that validation.
We aren't superheroes.
We aren't meant to do everything all by ourselves.
We are human.
We are meant to rely on each other.
Are you making life harder than it needs to be?
Are you continuously adding more to your plate?
Are you waiting until you're running on fumes and completely burnt out before seeking support?
What can I take off your plate?
How can I hold space for you?
How can I applaud you for all your hard work?
You can schedule a curiosity here.
Let's get curious together.
I'd love to learn something about you.
Thanks for reading! I look forward to seeing you next time.
With so much gratitude,
A team building exercise in trust and support.
The goal was to grab the rock, while staying inside the circle.
Your people want to hold your hand… what would it take to let them?
