That time I ignored my values to keep my boss happy…
Welcome back, I'm happy you're here.
Can I share a story with you? It's a true story, as true as I remember, being that it was almost 20 years ago.
I'm anxiously walking to my former boss' office. My short walk has my brain spiraling wondering what I did wrong.
I nervously sit on the couch, they are clearly mad at me. It feels like they are yelling at me “how could you let this happen?” I sit and listen. Thinking about this moment, I envision myself shrinking smaller and smaller on that couch.
Let's rewind two months.
I give my notice, excited to move to a different department. With my natural talent, my bosses weren't quite ready to let me go. They had a proposition. While trying to acquire a new client, they insisted I was the perfect candidate to woo them. The plan was for one month, increased pay and working out of the prospective clients office. There was one caveat, don't tell the potential client I'm leaving in a month.
I pride myself on my honesty. This felt like I was being asked to lie. I felt uncomfortable, but I agreed. I didn't think I had a choice.
I build a rapport/friendship with my new coworkers. They make remarks about us working together for years, I feel guilty and stay quiet.
My month comes to an end and some excuse is made as to why I'll be replaced. My bosses are still hopeful. Unfortunately, my replacement isn't as thorough as I am. My new friend tells me they aren't happy with her. I keep that information to myself.
Fast forward to me sitting/shrinking on the couch:
A month after my departure I crossed paths with my former bosses. My new job is in the same building… Lucky me.
The potential client doesn't sign. They feel caught off guard. They tell me “You should have been calling us weekly with updates. Did you know they weren't happy?”
I'm sorry, what? I say quietly, inside my head!
I contain my anger. I am stewing in silence.
I was asked to lie.
I'm now in “trouble” because my replacement wasn't as qualified as I am AND it was MY responsibility to call them weekly. They knew she wasn't as qualified, that's not my fault! If they wanted information from me, they should have called me. I still get a little angry thinking about it.
I share this story to show my growth and to remind myself how far I've come. While I was angry at them, I was equally angry at myself. I threw my values out the window to keep my bosses happy. I stayed quiet, avoiding feeling the discomfort in defending myself. I didn't know how to defend myself. I let them take advantage of me.
I also have compassion for my younger self. This was her SOP, standard operating procedure. Staying small and quiet was how she kept herself safe. She was doing the best she could at the time.
My hope is that 20 years later, if I find myself in a similar situation, I would have the courage to say “I don't feel comfortable lying. If you want me to withhold information, then you should ask someone else.”
My invitation for you:
Bring to mind a time from your past you wish you responded differently.
How would you show up today if you were in the same situation?
What do you know now that you didn't know then?
How can you show compassion to your younger self?
How have your values, and your relationship to them, changed?
Living in integrity is more important than abandoning my values to keep others happy.
This took me years to understand and practice.
I embrace triggers as learning opportunities. I ask myself:
What worked?
What didn't work?
What could I do differently next time?
I am doing the best I can, until I learn a different way.
My friend, you're doing an amazing job.
Take a minute to acknowledge how far you've come!
Are you wanting to do things differently and not sure where to start?
Schedule a free curiosity call to find out how I can help you.
Your future self will thank you!
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Thanks for reading! I look forward to seeing you next time.
With so much gratitude,
Hummingbird eggs