I’m done suffering! Are you?

Welcome back, I'm happy you're here.

Last week's topic on expectations created a lot of buzz, so I wanted to follow up on it.

Byron Katie helps people get to the root of their suffering, with a technique she calls “The Work.” She believes we suffer when we argue with reality… expecting life or people to be different. “The Work” consists of asking yourself four questions and then what she calls the turn around, reframing your initial thought in the opposite, to see if it's as true or truer than the original thought.

When we start thinking “this shouldn't be happening” or “they shouldn't have done that…” we are arguing with reality. The reality is, it did happen and they did do that.

Messy people will most likely always be messy.

Thinking they “should” be cleaner is arguing with what is. It's expecting them to meet your needs. You can be pissed every time you see their mess or you can start to accept this is who they are. Heck, they might be thinking you “shouldn't” be such a neat freak.

News flash, we can't control other people.

It's our thoughts that need controlling.

The suffering comes from our thoughts or as I like to call it, mind drama. We tell ourselves a story to validate why this is happening (to us) or how life would be easier if it weren't happening. We make it personal.

Plain and simple: It's happening.

How do you want to respond?

Do you want to stay in the torment of your mind, wishing it weren't happening or do you want to acknowledge it and respond in a way that keeps you out of the stress and suffering?

Problem:

It's raining and you don't like the rain.

Suffering (Arguing with reality):

Standing outside in the rain, no umbrella, complaining that you're getting wet.

Solution:

You go inside and enjoy your time, safe and dry.

It really can be that easy.

You always get to choose.

My invitation for you:

Bring to mind a situation you wish were different and do “The Work.”:

Think of a thought connected to this situation. It helps to include “should” in your statement.

• The four questions:

  • Q1- Is it true?

  • Q2- Can you absolutely know that it's true?

  • Q3- How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?

  • Q4- Who would you be without that thought?

  Example:

  People should be on time:

  • Q1- Yes, people should be on time.

  • Q2- No, I can't prove it.

  • Q3- I get mad and standoffish, thinking I'm not important enough to be a priority.

  • Q4- (who would I be without the thought 'people should be on time') relaxed and unfazed, enjoying their company when they arrive.

  Now we turn the thought around. Is the opposite as true as or truer than the original thought?

  Possible opposites to the thought “People should be on time”:

  I should be on time.

  I shouldn't be on time.

  People shouldn't be on time.

  Doing “The Work” allows me to see where I have control and how I can take responsibility for my suffering. It invites me to see other possibilities for myself and others.

  Being a punctual person, this reminds me it's ok to be late once in a while, especially if I'm in the middle of something. Also, believing their tardiness is directly connected to how much they value me and my time is a thought I created, with no evidence to back it up. Releasing that thought helps me release the anger.

  Are you feeling frustrated with unmet expectations?

  Are you ready to put an end to your suffering?

  Wondering what 1:1 coaching looks like?

Schedule a free curiosity call to find out more.

Your future self will thank you!

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Thanks for reading! I look forward to seeing you next time.

With so much gratitude,