That One Time I Had Insomnia.
Happy Spring!
It's 2:34am. I seem to be wide awake. Don't let that yawn fool you, I've been trying to fall back to sleep for the last half hour.
I can hear rain trickling out my window and gurgling down the drains. Beyond that, a car drives outside. Who's up at 2:40, besides me?
This is not my normal.
Have I ever told you how much I love number sequences and chronological order? 12:34 is one of my favorite times to see on a digital clock. I like to think of it as a sign from the universe to keep moving forward. So it's a bit kismet that I chose to write to you at 2:34. My interpretation was to write until I get tired.
As for chronological order, when I would go to Blockbuster (RIP) I would start in the A's and go in alphabetical order. My brain likes order.
I just heard another car, now it's 2:48a.
With all this work I've been doing on myself, I have a greater awareness of who I am and what my strengths and weaknesses are.
I get overwhelmed with too many options. I basically shut down. When I was a preschool teacher, I told my co-teachers “I'll do anything but art.” We would set up three tables in the morning; art table, manipulative table and mushy table. If you want help setting up art, I can do that, as long as you give me some direction.
In the past it was different, I was different.
I judged myself for not being good at x, y and z.
I compared myself to others, who seemed to be able to do it with their eyes closed. I started learning about myself, appreciating my gifts and having the confidence to let others know, so there wasn't any miscommunication or confusion.
I spent years being vague. I didn't want to be too direct, fearing it would lead to a rejection or me looking stupid (possibly.)
Now I am the queen of clarity.
I'll tell you my strengths and weaknesses.
I'll ask questions, shame free, when I don't understand something, leaving no room for confusion or unmet expectations.
It's 3:05a and my stomach just made the sound that says “I'm hungry.” When is it too early to eat breakfast? Breakfast can wait, I'm not ready to get out of bed.
What am I good at? I'm glad you asked.
I have an insane attention to detail. The funny thing is, it's been on my resume since my first resume, but I didn't really know what it meant. I'm sure my mom told me to put it down. I didn't know what it meant because it took no effort, like breathing. When you ask someone how they breathe, they might say “I just do.”
How did she know? I'm the person, when watching a movie, who will tell you that the cigarette was shorter a second ago, that her sweater is buttoned now, but unbuttoned a second ago, the list goes on.
I catch spelling errors in books. I can anticipate when someone is going to change lanes. I knew when a child was going to throw a shovel on the yard. Once again, the list goes on.
I've been told, jokingly, to stop being so observant.
I've been asked how I see what I see. She wanted me to teach her how to be as observant as I am. Just like breathing, in and out, all I have to do is open my eyes, literally. Sometimes I wish I didn't see everything that I do.
This is where my growth has come. I used to judge everyone because they weren't as observant as I and it would frustrate me. But the truth is, you can do things, that are as easy as breathing, that I'll never be good at, and that's ok. It would be boring if we were all the same.
“I can do nothing for you but work on myself… you can do nothing for me but work on yourself.” - Ram Dass
This has been my journey, to work on myself. I release all expectations of how I think you 'should' be and work on how I want to be. If you're wanting help with this, feel free to refer back to this post.
It's 3:33, a time that always makes me think of my cousin, whose birthday is 3/3, and my stomach is screaming “feed me” and I'm still wide awake. It's going to be a fun afternoon when I hit that wall.
Speaking of birthdays, today would be my grandma's 99th birthday. Happy Birthday, Babe (that's what we called her.)
One of the many things I inherited from her was the joy in photographing young children. (Here are some old photos of mine, I say old because some of these kids are in college or headed to college.)
My friend, are you ready to release your anger and frustrations at the people and events in your life? It's time to take a deep breath, in and out, drop the weight of the world from your shoulders and spend more time doing the things that put a smile on your face! Believe me, you'll thank me.
You can schedule a curiosity call here.
It's a friendly conversation, with no strings attached.
Babe, doing what she did best!
My invitation for you:
Bring to mind someone you’re resenting or frustrated with:
What did THEY do to YOU?
What can YOU do now, to reclaim your power/control?
If the resentment and anger are affecting your life, how much longer would you like to hold on to them?
I created a free worksheet to help people figure out their core values and how to apply them in their every day life.
Thanks for reading! I look forward to seeing you next time.
With so much gratitude,
