A Coaching Session: When We Feel Let Down By Our Family…
Angry, sad, heartbroken and betrayed…
What my client was feeling when she texted asking for an emergency session… from Paris.
Welcome back, I'm happy you're here.
We've been invited to listen in on a coaching session.
Client: I'm in the most romantic city, celebrating my 40th and I'm alone in my hotel room balling my eyes out.
Joey: Why are you crying, what happened?
Client: My family is pissing me off. I'm always there for them. I have been the rock of this family forever and when I finally need help, they make me the bad guy.
Joey: Do you want to tell me what happened?
Client: From a very young age I learned that I need to take care of myself, I can't rely on my family to take care of me. I also learned that I need to be there for them as well. At one point or another I have been there for all of my siblings, when my parents couldn't be. I was the one who had my shit together, always. I had to. There wasn't any other choice. I never once asked for help. Now, (as she pauses to let out some tears) I'm not in a great place. I need help. When I finally texted the family thread, sharing my situation, somehow I became the bad guy. What the fuck?
Joey: That must have taken a lot of courage to reach out to them, when you've always been the one who holds it all together.
Client: It was really hard. And for them to not believe me, or come to my rescue, was really shitty.
Joey: It sounds like you have some anger and resentment towards your family. You put your life on hold countless times to bail them out and the one time you reach out, you get nothing.
Client: Yes, I'm angry and sad. Now I feel like I have no one to help me. Once again, having to figure it out by myself.
Joey: It would make sense you would think that. You said you're feeling angry and sad… how would you like to be feeling?
Client: Supported and loved.
Joey: Of course you want to feel supported and loved. We are taught that family should be there no matter what and if your family can't support you, then an assumption could be that no one can. I've noticed that in families, everyone has their 'role.' You've always been a caretaker and fixer. It's as if they don't know how to interact with you when you show vulnerability. They've never needed to take care of you and it can be completely unfamiliar to them, just like it was uncomfortable for you to reach out. It doesn't mean they don't love you. It means they are showing you that they aren't currently able to give you what you need.
Client: I hear what you're saying but that's bullshit. How hard is it for them to just this once be there for me?
Joey: According to what you've told me, it sounds like it's really hard for them. If they have never been the caretaker type, you're expecting them to show up completely out of their element. Instead of putting that pressure on them, and potentially letting yourself down, who are the people in your life that you can count on? Who are the people that would love to support you through this tough time?
Client: My distant cousin was there in a second, no questions asked.
Joey: That's great, it sounds like he is a good person to rely on in the future. Can you think of any other people who will drop what they are doing to be there for you?
Client: I'm pretty sure my friends Debbie and Sally will want to support me.
Joey: That's great. I've noticed in my own life, there are certain people I go to for certain things. I know which people bring me down and which people are super supportive. There are the people who are great at listening and some who always offer their unsolicited advice. I love them all for different reasons and I've learned who I share what with. If I'm wanting to vent, I won't go to the person who will try and fix me. But when I have a problem, they will be the first person I go to.
Client: That makes sense. But I'm still mad. My life was constantly interrupted to be there for them.
Joey: You have every right to be mad. While you build your network of people who would be thrilled to show up for you, are you willing to give yourself some patience. Your siblings might need time to acclimate to this version of you, the one that doesn't have it all together. If you've always been the one on solid ground, with your shit together, they might be questioning their own stability if it turns out you aren't as stable as you've led on.
Client: I guess so. It doesn't look like I have any other choice. They've let me down and that breaks my heart.
Joey: I can hear in your voice and your tears how upsetting this is for you. What would make you feel better right now?
Client: To be able to enjoy my vacation, not thinking about my family. When I get home I'll start reaching out to friends, letting them know I need help.
Joey: That sounds like a great idea. Thank you for your vulnerability and please know that I will always be someone you can reach out to.
Client: Thank you, that means a lot. It's been a hard few months and I'm out of my element.
Joey: It's scary when we step outside of our comfort zone. It helps to give yourself some compassion. This is new, you're building a new muscle and it takes time. I want to acknowledge you for letting your guard down and speaking up for yourself, in getting your needs met, that takes courage.
Client: Thank you.
Thank you 'client' for letting us in.
My invitation for you:
Consider checking on your family and friends who 'have it all together.'
Who do you feel safe going to, in times of need?
How comfortable are you letting others take care of you?
What are you trying to prove by 'having it all together?'
Does this session resonate with you?
Have you spent your life taking care of others, maybe you've forgotten how to take care of yourself, or how to let others take care of you?
Let me be that person for you.
I will hold space and take good care of your mind, body and soul!
My friend, you can schedule a curiosity here.
It's a friendly conversation, let's get curious together.
Thanks for reading! I look forward to seeing you next time.
With so much gratitude,
Extra gratitude for making it this far!
