Don’t read this blog!
Welcome back, I'm happy you're here.
One of the many valuable lessons I learned while teaching preschool was that we visualize the words we hear. When a child hears “don't run,” all they can visualize is someone running. There is no image for “don't.” As teachers, we did our best to articulate what we wanted them to do.
Common reframe:
Don't run ——> Use your walking feet
Don't throw sand ——> Sand stays low
Don't go outside ——> We are playing inside now
Don't climb the fence ——> Your feet stay on the ground
If only life could be that easy, where we felt comfortable telling people exactly what we wanted of them.
Don't wear your muddy shoes inside ——> Leave your muddy shoes outside
Don't waste water ——> Turn off the water when you aren't using it.
Don't leave ——> Please stay
Don't buy me roses ——> Next time you can buy me sunflowers.
You can take it one step farther and tell them your “Why.” For me, knowing the “Why” helps me understand and grasp the concept better. It helps me understand them and what they value.
Your feet stay on the ground to keep your body safe.
Sand stays low because it really hurts when it gets in our eyes. When we keep it low, it stays out of the eyes.
Roses remind me of funerals, but I love Sunflowers.
When mud gets on the carpet it's hard to clean up. I like a clean carpet.
I remember listening to Dr. Dan Siegel speak, where for a full minute he repeatedly said “No” to the audience. He gave us some time to see how that felt in our body and then he proceeded to said “Yes” to us. Comparing the two were night and day. Hearing No and Don't doesn't sound or feel good.
As adults, we are quick to tell others what we don't want them to do. The truth of the matter is:
We might not know what we do want them to do.
We might not think we “have time” to figure out what we want them to do.
Maybe we do know what we want and it might be too vulnerable to speak it out loud.
When we say “don't…” we leave them guessing what we actually want. If we don't know or can't articulate it, how are they supposed to know? Clearly stating what we want saves everyone a lot of time and guess work.
When I don't exactly know what I want, I use the process of elimination to help narrow down what I do want. In a partner, I don't want to date a smoker, which I reframe to I'm looking for someone who values their health. I also don't want a workaholic, so I focus on someone who has healthy boundaries with work and home life.
My invitation for you:
Bring to mind the last few times you said “don't…”
How can you reframe it to what you DO want?
Can you follow it up with why it's important to you?
(I don't know about you, but I hate hearing “Because I said so.”)
How did you feel the last time someone told you “don't…”
(My intro said “Don't read this email” and here we are 😉)
Think about a cause you're passionate about;
Global Warming, BLM, Human Trafficking, LGBTQIA, Russia/Ukraine, World Hunger, Homelessness…
How can we engage with people while avoiding the “don't…” energy.
When I hear people talk passionately about these causes, I often hear them say what they “Don't” want others to do.
I avoid plastic when I can. I bring my canvas bags to the store, I put my produce directly in the basket (without a bag) and I bring my own glass jars for the bulk items.
I would love to hear about a cause you are passionate about, why it's important to you and what you are doing for them. Toot your horn and teach me something.
Is your life full of things you don't want and not sure what you do want?
Schedule a free curiosity call to find out more.
Your future self will thank you!
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Thanks for reading! I look forward to seeing you next time.
With so much gratitude,