A Coaching Session: “I have to…” all day long! What if you didn’t have to?
Welcome back, I'm happy you're here.
I have a surprise for you…
We've been invited to listen in on a coaching session.
Molly- Ugh, I'm so pissed with how my day turned out.
Joey- What happened?
Molly- I finally set aside time to work on my website and then I had to run to the hospital to pick up my friend. I wasn't able to get anything done that I had intended to.
Joey- That sounds frustrating. It makes sense you're pissed. I know how long you've been wanting to start your website.
Molly- Yes, it was very frustrating.
Joey- I have a question for you, did you have to pick her up?
Molly- I don't have any family here and she, without hesitation, always shows up for me when I need her. She is my chosen family.
Joey- It sounds like you really care about her.
Molly- I would do anything for her.
Joey- Is it possible you wanted to pick her up, it just interfered with your plan for the day?
Molly- 100%. I am so grateful I was available to pick her up. You're right, I wanted to pick her up and because it interfered with my “plan” I was mad.
Joey- Is it possible you didn't HAVE to pick her up, but you really wanted to. You could have stayed home and continued on with your plan and told your friend you weren't available.
Molly- You're right, but I would never leave her like that. I love when I can help her out.
Joey- It sounds like you value her friendship.
Molly- I would drop anything to help her.
Joey- It's sounds like that's what you did, you dropped your plans to help her. I like to believe we don't HAVE TO do anything. We often don't like the consequences of not doing said task. Can I share an analogy that comes to mind?
Molly- Yes
Joey- It's 8p and you open the fridge, realizing there is no milk. “Ugh, I have to go to the store and get milk” you say to your husband. Potentially what you are subconsciously thinking is “I don't want to deal with children who don't have “milk” for their cereal in the morning. I'd rather run to the store now, than deal with them whining tomorrow morning.” You don't have to go to the store, you want to go, to avoid the consequence of not going. Whenever I hear a client say “I have to…” I encourage them to get to the “I want to…”
Molly- That makes sense. What comes up for me is telling my kids “you have to do your homework.” I want them to do their homework and I want them to want to do their homework, giving them more opportunities for their future. I don't want them to fail their classes.
Joey- Yes, exactly! I don't know about you, but whenever I feel like I have to do something, it feels like an obligation. With obligation, I definitely find myself resisting. When I shift a “have to” to a “want to” there is less resistance and sometimes more enthusiasm. Can you think of another “have to” you'd like to shift to a “want to?”
Molly- Hmm… This morning I was telling the kids we have to return the library books. I guess I could say I want to return the library books to avoid a late fee.
Joey- Perfect.
Molly- OMG! I realized I say “I have to” all day long. This is definitely going to take some effort in catching myself.
Joey- What kind of support do you need, to catch yourself?
Molly- I could tell my family about this conversation and ask them to get my attention every time they hear me say “I have to…”
Joey- Brilliant idea.
Molly- I think it'll be good for the kids, before they pick up my habit of saying “I have to” before every sentence.
Joey- I love it.
Thank you Molly (not her real name, obviously) for inviting us in.
My invitation for you:
Think of a recent time you said “I have to…”
Did you have to?
Was your life dependent on doing it?
What would happen if you didn't?
How can you get your “have to” to a “want to?”
If you can't get to a “want to” why are doing it?
This morning I was thinking “I have to write my newsletter for next week.” I caught myself and shifted it to “I want to write my newsletter today, to avoid ruminating on it until Tuesday morning.” I'm a procrastinator. I like to marinate on things and I LOVE scratching things off my list.
As I'm writing these words it's Saturday afternoon. I'm sitting in a cute coffee shop in Encinitas. I now don't have to think about it, it's written and you'll be reading it on Tuesday. I set aside the time to write because I wanted to.
Are you struggling with shifting a “have to” to a “want to?”
Does your life feel like a broken record, same thing different day?
Schedule a free curiosity call to find out more.
Let's get your questions answered.
Friendly reminder, we always have a choice. It helps to explore our options before assuming there are none.
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Thanks for reading! I look forward to seeing you next time.
With so much gratitude,