Why I Love My Anxiety… Sometimes.

Grab your coffee or tea and sit with me.

Let me start by saying Happy New Year! I hope the first few weeks have been kind to you and you've been kind to yourself. Ok, let's get on with the show.

I'm standing here (my coffee shop has a standing desk outside which I love), wanting to be productive, 

wanting to write something for you, 

something for me, 

and yet there is a heaviness in my body.

Sometimes it feels like there is an elephant sitting on my chest. I've decided this is anxiety. It's not fun. It's uncomfortable and exhausting, mentally and physically.

It feels like my chest is in a fist and does not want to let go.

Have you ever had a panic attack? This is what I feel just before the panic attack kicks in. Thankfully a panic attack never comes, but to feel this close to it is still unbearable.

With the tightness in my chest comes shallow breathing and lots of yawning. I then feel compelled to tell people why I'm yawning and that it has nothing to do with them. 

No, I'm not tired. 

No, I'm not bored… I'm just yawning.

Part of me wants to get to the root of what's causing all this pain.

I want to fix it.

I want it to go away, forever.

Another part of me is trusting that it's showing up for a reason. In the past, I would have ignored it and pretended everything was fine.

Everything is not fine.

I am uncomfortable.

It keeps me up at night as I try to get a full breath. I typically fall asleep within 5 minutes, so when I lay there for a solid 30 minutes trying to catch my breath, it only gives me more anxiety. Fun times!

Brene Brown talks about shame… something along the lines of the more we talk about it, the less power it has over us.

I felt compelled to share my anxiety with you.

Actually, let me rephrase that.

I felt called to share my experience of anxiety with you.

Maybe it won't feel so intense or isolating when I tell people.

I'm sure it's connected to my relationship with money.

I have to let you in on a little secret, I actually asked for this… kind of.

I've spent so much of my life in my comfort zone, playing it safe. A few months ago I declared to myself and the universe that I want to lean into the discomfort, step outside of my comfort zone and embrace the unknown. I also declared I want to change/heal my relationship with money. Put them together and you get me buying a car outside of my desired price range. Talk about discomfort!

And that's about when my anxiety started!

I brought this on. 

It's all my fault. 🤦🏻‍♀️

What do I do now?

I can hit rewind and go back to playing it safe or I can reassure myself that I am safe.

While my body might be resisting something, fighting the discomfort, my life is still in one piece. My outside world hasn't changed. The chaos is in my head. I still have a roof over my head, food in my belly, money coming in and a car I love.

My former self would have read this (from someone else) and jumped into fix it mode.

How can I help you feel less anxious?

Have you tried this or read that?

I've finally learned not everything/everyone wants or needs fixing. Sometimes they share as a form of processing.

Let me apologize for anytime I heard you share something and I proceeded to jump in and want to fix it. That's probably not what you were wanting in that moment and I didn't know any better. I do now. If I slip back in my old ways, please feel free to remind me what you're wanting or needing from me.

I say this to let you know I am not asking for help. 

I am sharing to let you know I too have hard days, weeks and months. If this sounds or feels familiar, you aren't alone. It's not all roses over here either.

This is what I call growing pains. 

I'd prefer being uncomfortable and moving forward than staying stagnant, feeling comfy cozy.

When I feel the anxiety creeping in I ask myself “what do I need right now, what will make me feel more comfortable?”

Sometimes it means canceling plans, or taking a break from writing to you, or laying flat on the floor, getting as grounded as possible and sometimes it's guilt free comfort food.

No more ignoring.

No more pretending everything is ok.

Sometimes life is ok.

Sometimes it's not.

And that's ok.

My invitation for you:

Bring to mind a time you were feeling uncomfortable:

• Do you ignore it or embrace it?

• Do you talk it out with someone or bottle it up?

My friend, I'd love to work with you, sharing all my wisdom and support in helping you achieve your hearts desire! 

Are you wanting more confidence, less anxiety, or help dealing with other humans, I can help!

Do you have questions?

You can schedule a curiosity call here. 

It's a friendly conversation, with no strings attached.

I created a free worksheet to help people figure out their core values and how to apply them in their every day life.

Thanks for reading! I look forward to seeing you next time.

With so much gratitude,